“But the truth is that Petya has grown,” said the psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya. Fragments from her book.
“We are different people!”
A teenager solves the problem of separation from parents, to overcome their unshakable authority in his mind. Remember how a child idealized at a tender age, almost deified his parents? And now he suddenly sees for the first time instead of the strongest, smartest, most fair in the world of a father of some almost unfamiliar person: irritated, middle-aged and, it seems, not very smart. Instead of the best in the world, the most beautiful and kind mother – a tired, stubborn woman, full of stupid prejudices about sex and life in general.
The teenager suddenly understands how much he and his parents are different people. Naturally, he considers his preferences the only true, and parental – outdated. Even if this is not said out loud, he shows in his voice and gaze, and sometimes very offends adults. As a result, a regular dispute due to musical tastes can flare up into a fierce conflict.
The teenager and his parents are located as if in different coordinate systems: he is changing rapidly – they try to maintain stability;They want him to grow wiser and become responsible, and then show self -will – he succeeds only on the contrary. Assured by the changes in the beloved child, parents urgently “take up education”, which finally spoils the relationship. The teenager concludes that “there is nothing to talk about with them”. And at the same time, he lacks intimacy with his parents, he suffers from loneliness, wants to resume contact – and does not know how. He moves away from the family, emphasizes his indifference.
The discord with parents is experienced by a teenager very painfully, up to severe nervous disorders, although parents themselves are usually sure that “he does not care”. But parents are also hard.
To whom is heavier?
Those parents who have “lived for children” have previously worried from the pedestal. After all, the separation of the child threatens the very meaning of their life, knocks the ground from under the feet. They discover themselves in an “empty nest” – there is no business, there is no full marriage, now the parental role goes – how to live on?
It’s hard for those who are not satisfied with their lives, for many years live with the feeling that they do not belong to themselves, have not found himself either in work, or in creativity, or in relations with a partner. Then the teenage crisis of the child may coincide in time with a middle -aged crisis in parents. And if you are covered by the consciousness of meaninglessness, the worthlessness of your life, and then an impudent offspring clicks through the lip: “Well, and what this education gave to you?” – it is perceived as a stab in the back with a knife. You are already falling, and here you are pushing you – and who? Your own child ..
It is difficult for parents to be too “perfect”, impeccable in everything, including in relations with the child. The teenager suffers from their imperfection, and parents are so satisfied and objectively good – you will not have that they are enraged even more.
So the main advice of a teenager is probably to engage in himself and their lives. Children no longer require care and constant guardianship – this is fine. More free time, more opportunities to change something in life, to realize the deferred plans, to learn something new. And there, you look, and the teenage crisis will pass, the separation will take place and it will be possible to communicate already at a new level, without tension and struggle.
Not a child and not an adult
In ancient times and in the now preserved archaic cultures, a person who reached puberty became a full member of society. Received the right to start a family, dispose of himself, on equal terms with others to make decisions regarding the fate of the tribe. The moment of transition from children to adults was marked by a special rite – an initiation that symbolized the death of a person as a child and the birth of him as an adult. After initiation, the child did not return to the parental shelter, relations were considered completed. Of course, they still had all the feelings for each other, but he no longer had to obey them, and they no longer had to feed him and be responsible for his actions. Attachment relations, as relations of dependence, ceased to perform the task.
In modern European civilization, it is not enough to be able to hold a spear and build a hut. To ensure not just a family – oneself – you need to study for a long time. It takes from seven to ten years before an adult from the point of view of nature a person becomes an adult from the point of view of society.
The ambiguity of the position of the teenager causes many difficulties. On the one hand, it is deprived of most of childhood privileges. He is expected from adult seriousness and responsibility for his actions. The law, for example, usually provides for liability for offenses from 13-14 years. Teachers and parents are also not inclined to condescending to the manifestations of frivolity, carelessness, impulsiveness – all that forgive children. On the other hand, and adult privileges to the teenager is not yet provided. He depends on his parents material and morally, he must report to them, where he goes, with whom and why, any adult considers himself the right to make him a remark, his communication and sex life are under close attention. The teenager does not have the right not to know, not to be able, not to understand. But he also does not have the right to answer himself at his discretion.
It is not easier for parents – they also fall into a situation where, from the point of view of society, they must be responsible for what to answer, in fact, can no longer. Here they call the parents of a high school student to school: Petya does not make homework, take measures. Which, interestingly, according to the school, parents must make Petya (1m 85 cm of height and mustache) do lessons? Explain to him? Make? And if he gets up and leaves? Punish him without giving sweets? Spank? No one has an answer to this question.
However, they are asked from parents for the successes of Petit, for Petit’s behavior, for Petya’s health. And they feel guilty that they cannot influence him – or try to scold him and punish him, knowing in advance that they are doomed to failure. At the same time, all participants in the process know the truth: Petya knows, parents know, the school knows. But continue to lie to themselves and each other. But the truth is that Petya grew up. The natural program requires it to separate, and let go of the parents. And only society stands above them and pretends that Petya is the same little boy, whom mom and dad could lead by the handle.
Extending attachment
It is not surprising that family violence between parents and adolescents is a very, very common thing. Moreover, the aggressor is one side or the other. There is no question of emotional violence. Unfortunately, this is almost the norm. How offensive, evil, without any brakes, sometimes parents with adolescents swear, it’s hard to describe even to describe. As if it were not the same child whom they once kissed, worn in their arms. As if they are not the same people who were once the most-most best parents in the world.
One of the parents has enough character and charisma, or maybe simply unceremoniousness and rudeness to keep the child in subordination to the extra few years. A separate question is how useful it is for a child and what are the consequences for relations. Someone brings his vigilant care and care to the child to complete despair, such that he is ready to escape from home, drink or prick, just to leave the unbearable situation of an artificially detained childhood. Someone has enough communicative talents to avoid sharp conflicts and negotiate, on a half, on sympathy, so to speak, in memory of the former love. For many, it does not work out. And the parent with a teenager receive several years of incomprehensible relationship, humiliating either for one or another.
It is very important to understand that in our conflicts with younger children, a lot is not from the fact that they are bad children or we are worthless parents, but from the fact that we live with them in such a time and according to such rules. Across the program, honed by
millennia, contrary to it.
If we understand that, due to circumstances beyond depending on us, we are forced to continue the dependence of the child on us, although he is no longer a child, it is worth continuing and good, pleasant aspects of attachment. If we try to control, as before, but we no longer consider it necessary to treat or caress, why a teenager is such a relationship? Since it is necessary to artificially detain it in childhood, it is important and the advantages of childhood to preserve. Stroke once on the head, bring his favorite sweets from work, take a walk-to-click together, make a laugh.